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Monday, April 11, 2011

The "Candy Store"

I hear it often.

Perhaps you're the type who says it all of the time...

"Men are lucky. There are millions of women in this area for you to choose from." ("Millions"? Ha...Right.)

It's true. The ratio of women-to-men in the DMV [For my out-of-towners...that's DC, Maryland, Virginia] is lovely. That is, 'lovely' from a male perspective.

Now, while the ratio itself is seemingly in our favor, the task of choosing one woman out of, say, a 'million' isn't quite so lovely. Sure, it's easy when you're on a mission for fun *wink*. A cute face and a nice 'distracting' frame is pretty much all a guy needs to make thangs happen - whatever those 'thangs' might be - and he'll take care of the rest.

But what if he's not one of those guys? What if he's not just on a mission for shameless conquest? What if this man was looking NOT for the next 'jumpoff', but for something worth real commitment? What if his standards called for far more than a cute face and body that makes Apple Bottom jeans look like throwback Jordache'? What then?

I'll tell you 'what then'...

That wonderful 'candy store' ratio quickly turns into a 'candy shelf in the grocery checkout line' ratio.

Yes indeed. With as many women as there are in this wonderful land of milk and honey [all metaphorical implications welcome], only a small few could actually make the cut when analyzed against the standards of a man who has decided long ago not to think with his...flesh. *cue rimshot*

Bold statement, yes.

Risky? Perhaps.

True? I would argue so. In fact, here are some major variables - if you will - that, once considered, illustrate how fast a 'candy store' becomes more like the exiguous 'candy rack' next to the Essence magazines and Sodoku puzzle books:

#1 - She's not a Christian.
This first variable is from the perspective of a man who is not only a Christian, but is also serious about his 'walk' ["walk" basically refers to a person's daily commitment to living a Christ-honoring life). For him, this is an immediate, and tragically disappointing, deal-breaker. Quite frankly, she could look like a "Clueless-era" Stacey Dash; but if she doesn't love Christ, she is not a viable option. Furthermore, this dismal reality is arguably more prevalent here in the DMV than, say, skinny jeans. So where does that leave our candy selection? *boxes of KitKats and Junior Mints slip and fall onto the floor*

#2 - She's 'saved', but not serious.
Even though this particular category of women happens to be Christian *cha-ching!*, you couldn't tell because they look, talk, and/or act like her non-Christian associates *womp-womp*. Her Christian 'walk' is virtually imperceptible outside of 11:15am Sunday service. You would know your way around every nightclub in DC just by browsing through her photo albums on Facebook. Her dress code, too, is often suspect. At first, some women within this category often tend to fool our man with their chosen attire. However, a little patient observance will soon allow that mini-skirt/stiletto/cleavage ensemble to make its appearance at the 30th birthday bash at *drumroll* the nightclub or lounge. *background noises of Snickers bars making impact upon the ceramic tile floor in a gradually increasing one-by-one succession*

#3 - She's just not 'into' men.
Okay... She's a lesbian. Obviously, this isn't going to work for our man. Furthermore, this seems to be the case for pretty much every 2 out of 5 women in the DMV area! (Shoot, maybe even 3 out of 5!) Oh, and "Bi-curious" fits into this category as well.

#4 - She is hard to look at.
Men have preferences. *sarcastic "GASP"* Such preferences also vary among men. Nevertheless, if any given woman falls short of his preferences, well... "We can be friends" *smile*

Okay... For you curious individuals, I'll briefly expound upon some of those preferences that men generally have. [keyword: GENERALLY]:

  • FACE
    A woman's face is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess! It must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must attract without the aid of *drumroll* make-up! [That's right ladies! Those hours spent turning your faces into a Van Gogh technicolor masterpiece could be working against you.]
    A woman's body is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess!

    ...(wait for it)...

    Okay, yes. I said the exact same thing about a woman's face. It wasn't a mistake. A woman's body is pretty much on the same level of pertinence as her face. It, too, must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must be attractive without the aid of *drumroll*, not make-up, but *drumroll* 'body shaping' undergarments (yes, men know about those). *rimshot* This applies mainly to those women who use such undergarments soley for superficial appeal, not to those who use them as a means towards weight loss. Nevertheless, regardless of the motive, know that these 'reshaper' tools risk projecting a false realty to the unsuspecting beholder. Be careful and, most of all, be honest. *throwback The More You Know shooting star glides across the screen*

    In addition to a woman's body being authentically attractive, it must be consistent. It doesn't matter if she's underweight, at-weight, or over-weight; if a man is attracted to it, he wants to remain attracted to it. Now, for all the aforementioned body sizes, adjusting your size/proportions in pursuit of improved health is ALWAYS a good idea...regardless of what a man is attracted to. So, if you're under/overweight, it might be time to hit up Weight Watchers...or Subway...and then the gym to tone that muscle. *cue Shawn T. Hiphop Abs*

    There are many other factors of a woman's 'look-at-ability', but I've already covered the most I did promise to be brief. Let's move on.
#5 - She is hard to deal with.
Loud. Obnoxious. Cantankerous. Disrespectful. Insecure. Crazy.
These wonderful S.A.T. words describe a wide demographic of women that most men dread and loathe. To cut to the chase, allow me to expound upon each attribute in brief detail:
  • Loud
    This is a sign of ignorance. She who possesses this attribute often lacks self-control as she tends to instinctively raise her voice beyond reasonable levels when she experiences feelings of anger and/or disgust.

  • Obnoxious
    The woman who possesses this attribute often lacks tact and, thus, tends to act out her anger and/or disgust with almost total disregard of her surroundings and environment (ie. a restaurant). Our man is virtually unable to take this woman anywhere without sure embarrassment. And, to make matters worse, any outward manifestations of his embarrassment are only sure to further enhance the performance by this woman. "Check please!".
  • Cantankerous
    This woman seems to have a deep-rooted inability to operate smoothly with the opposite sex. She lacks many of the fundamental skills of effective communication. She tends to view the man as a holistic threat as opposed to a companion. Cooperation with this type of woman is, thus, a phenomenon that is only in play when it is to her apparent benefit. A man who selects such a woman must be somehow prepared for constant friction and turmoil.

  • Disrespectful
    This woman is a oft times a mixture of the above attributes along with the added 'spice' of derogation. She is as much a private liability as she is a public liability.
  • Insecure
    This isn't your typical self-conscious woman who is worried about how her short chubby legs look while wearing a skirt. This doesn't even pertain to the type of woman who is sensitive about comments regarding the birthmark on her forehead. No. This class of insecurity refers to the type of woman who routinely performs covert reconnaissance missions through her man's cellphone contacts and call history while he is not around. *cue Mission Impossible theme music* This is the type of woman who makes frequent and unfounded accusations of infidelity. To her, any female who crosses her man's path is automatically a threat and, consequently, a cause of countless arguments and interrogations. She, too, can not be taken anywhere unless the man is prepared to defend himself against erroneous accusations of 'looking at this woman's chest' or 'that woman's butt'.

    Another interesting aspect of the insecure woman is her tendency to get distracted by direct attention from others...especially that from men other than her own. *raised eyebrow...Dwayne Johnson style* Because this woman needs constant attention - attention that her man alone can not provide - she is highly vulnerable to any source of affirmation and emotional pacification. To be frank, this type of woman, when single, is considered 'easy'. Once she is in a relationship, she is then most liable to be 'unfaithful'. *car drives by with Project Pat - Don't Save Her playing at full volume* "NEEEXT!"
  • CrAzY
    Many men, far and wide, have at least one grim tale concerning one of these types of women. *soft, gloomy crescendo of orchestral string ensemble* She may not only possess several, or all, of the above attributes, but she also carries the trait of *dunh duhn DUHN*...INSANITY! *classic Alfred Hitchcock scream in the distance*
    She has no control over her unstable emotions because, frankly, they control her - which tends to make her appear bipolar, schizophrenic, and high all at the same time. She is often delusional when faced with the mildest of stressful conditions. She is known to openly blame her man for mistakes that only men from her past have made. She often interprets most of the words and actions of her man as an attack upon her happiness, health, or...who knows. *SMH* She can be a habitual liar, a vindictive brat, or perhaps even a self-victimizing manipulator.
    The scariest part, though, is her ability to blend seamlessly into the pool of otherwise stable the beginning. She is often spoken of with high esteem by acquaintances and associates. At social events and gatherings, she is pleasant. She makes a wonderful first impression. However...*the colorful portrait slowly turns gray as the cheerful melody eerily transitions into twisted melancholy, complete with overdubbed voice of little girl singing "la la la..." slightly off-key* ...only those who have somehow delved deep enough to truly know her (ie. family and significant others) have any clue of her dark side. *cue iconic Jason Voorhees whisper*


    *slow creak followed by the loud metallic crash of wire-frame candy racks as Skittles, M&Ms, and IceBreakers scatter and bounce freely across the floor*

It is at this moment that our man of decent standard realizes just how little of a selection he truly has. He looks around his feet at the Butterfingers... the Snickers bars... the M&Ms. He sees the Skittles, once a personal favorite in his past days of naivety, and remembers that sweet artificial taste of strawberry. Briefly overcome by the lure of modified corn starch and xanthan gum, he proceeds to bend down and reach for a little red Skittle with that semi-faded white "S" imprinted upon its outer shell. His relapse is cut short as his inhibition reminds him that he's about to eat off of the floor. Returning to his senses, he scans across the remaining array of candy that has endured this brutal round of the discrimination process. It is a small shelf - the last one standing - and it displays a variety of much narrower proportions.

He reaches out to grab a shiny bag of Raisinetes. Peering at the nutrition facts, he notes the presence of several of his favorite ingredients. However, the amount of carbohydrates is a bit more than he would prefer. He sets it back down amongst the other yellow Nestle'-branded plastic bags. He tilts his head up and down the modest candy rack, scanning over the Altoids, shaking his head at the Starbursts, and sighing at the cute but unsatiating orange-flavored TicTacs. This rack here has nothing for him. Tastey and sweet they may all be...but not for him.

He leaves the aisle and proceeds toward the automated sliding doors. He's disappointed, but optimistic. His stride is calm. After all, what's the rush?