It's been a week...
...okay, maybe just 5 days...
...but it might as well have been SEVEN days...
...since your phone has RANG, BLINGED, CHIRPED, DINGED, [insert that little polite iPhone *pop*], or DROIDed with so much as a text message from that person you thought had so much potential to be 'the ONE'.
I mean, c'mon... that last date - which was also the FIRST date - was SO *pause for emphasis* GOOD!
You both laughed, joked, exchanged a couple playful shoves and pokes, shared opinions and talked about 'stuff'...
...things just really seemed to flow!
(Uh oh... that word! 'FLOW'! You know what happens when you hang out with someone new and everything really just kinda 'flows'...)
So what happened?!?
[actual word]--> You'da thought that they would've hit you up to say "hey", "how are you", or at least a :-).
But no... and it's been 5 days without any followup.
*cue all insecurities, self-consciousness, and anxiety...mmmmmmNOW!*
By now, this is when all the second guesses and worries come into play.
This is where you try to recollect any pivotal oversights and missteps you may have committed at any time during the date:
...like whether or not you kept a fresh Altoid in your mouth after lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl...
...did they smell that fart you accidentally let escape before those Beano tablets kicked in?...
...that joke you told that wasn't funny... how UNfunny did they really think it was? Was it THAT bad?...
...were they offended when you decided to text message your friend(s) to tell them about the date you were currently on while consequently neglecting the very date you were currently on?
So many possibilities.
So many questions.
"What did I do," you ask yourself.
"Or...what didn't I do," you reply as you realize that you really have NO idea why your potential bun is M.I.A.
*cue feelings of vulnerability and the onset lapse of sound judgment and pride*
There is only one way to find out...
...ONE way to be sure...
*sudden dramatic orchestral hit*
...ONE WAY to quench your ever-growing thirst to know 'WHY'...
*orchestral crescendo followed by sudden cinematically brilliant silence*
...WHY didn't they hit me up by now!?!
*close-up of silent, lifeless cell phone as its little green LED light flashes indicating that voicemail from mom*
Admit it. You don't want to hear from mom right now.
You want to hear from [insert potential bun's name]!
....So what do you do?
*quiet, peaceful shot of your silent cell phone suddenly interrupted by your sweaty hand swooping in and seizing it into your eager grasp*
You send a text message! ...you know, because your pride won't let you give in and flat out CALL them, right? I mean, whatchu look like callin' them like YOU pressed? You know?
YOU: "Hey! Jus sayin Hi. I jus wanted 2 c how u were doin. [insert witty reference to a joke you two shared during the date]
*camera shot of your thumb pressing SEND with high expectations of their reply*
Unlike the text messages leading up to the first date, there's no immediate reply.
Five minutes turn into ten minutes as anxiety and impatience begin to erode your pride and sanity once more. You try to act nonchalant and 'aloof' by leaving your phone on the other side of the room as you surf the internet and partake of other 'more important things'. *cough*facebook*cough*
Suddenly, the silence is broken by the ever-so-familiar sound from across the room...
A TEXT MESSAGE!!!!
Every pathetic charade of indifference you achingly had going for the past 26 minutes is immediately obliterated as you clear every bit of the 3 yards between you and your phone in a single, clumsy bound.
*desk chair falls over as your knee subsequently hits the corner of the nightstand where the cell phone rests*
To finally see **New Message** on the cell phone screen is like coming downstairs Christmas Day to find a room full of gifts.
You eagerly press the right buttons to access the new text message from...
...your co-worker?!? *womp*womp*
There couldn't have been a worse time to get a text message from some colleague at work asking about something work related. Nevertheless, as the rush of excitement deflates into an empty bag of disappointment, you reply to your co-worker's untimely inquiry and put the phone right back where it was before you leaped across the room like a gazelle on PCP <-- wow, picture that.
At this point, twenty minutes have passed and Facebook has lost its lure. Your FB "friends" statuses are becoming stupid and brainless, you've just ignored a Friend Request from some guy who's shirtless in his profile pic and has only 2 mutual friends out of the 948 that you have, you keep getting event invites to places and functions you have ABSOLUTELY no interest in attending - nor do you even know who the person is who 'invited' you - aaaannnnnd you've gone through that potential bun's photo albums three times already.
Okay, so it's been about an hour since you've sent that text message and the notion to actually call the person has crossed your mind several times by now. This time, however, your rekindled feelings of desperation begin to make such a task sound quite viable and tempting.
One hour and 15 seconds later, you're holding your phone in your hand as you navigate through your Contacts folder...
*cue the sudden sensation of butterflies and insecurities sparked by the thought of how pressed it would look if you called after sending a text message they didn't even reply to yet*
You swallow that last ounce of pride you had left as you press the call button...
*WALE "pretty girls" ring-back tone*
...*"Hello, you have been transferred to the voicemail box of [potential bun's voice saying their name]. At the tone, please state your message.....[BOOP]*
"Transferred???," you think to yourself. "I transfer people to my voicemail when I don't want to talk to them...."
The last thing you want to do is leave a voicemail.
Who DOES that??!?
...So you hang up the phone and enter yet another pathetic round of self-consciousness.
By now, you've exhausted all reasonable attempts to contact that person. And, because of the 'tragic' course of events that have taken place over the past hour and... *checking watch* ....five minutes, you've become a little salty....
...salty enough to vow that you will never call or text message that person again!
...salty enough to de-friend them on Facebook!!
...salty enough to erase their phone number and email address from your Contacts list!!!...because afterall, they couldn't even hit you up for a whole week!
And!....AND!....they didn't want to respond to your text messages or answer the phone when you called...let alone having the audacity to 'transfer' you to voicemail.
You release a symbolic sigh as you delete every last bit of evident correspondence between you and the now un-potential bun out of your phone.
...because THIS signifies a new dawn....
*symbolic sunrise casting fresh morning light upon your face as you look towards the blossoming horizon with a new sense of pride and prospect*
...a new day where I will no longer look to the past, but will now focus on the light of the future! Those who bring negative energy into my realm will be left behind! Only those with positive energy and good vibes will I now surround myself with! #thatisall
*clicking the SHARE button, making that your new Facebook status until further notice*
Proud of yourself, you then decide to LIKE your own status post as you re-read it several times as if it wasn't you who wrote it. But then you notice something in the News Feed section...
[insert un-potential bun's name] and 11 others have just updated their profile pic!
[insert un-potential bun's name] has just uploaded 15 new photos into Vacation Getaway to Jamaica 2010 album.
"Jamaica?," you question to yourself out loud.
Your mind starts to shuffle as you delve deep into Vacation Getaway to Jamaica 2010. Your quest shifts back and forth from trying to figure out when this Jamaican getaway took place... and salivating over how that un-potential bun looks with less than 15% of their body covered.
*a new NOTIFICATION pops up*
[insert un-potential bun's last name] has just updated their status.
"...gettin it in at JAM-ROCK sippin 'experienced' pina coladas!" posted about a minute ago.
Your mind can't help but leniently attribute their lack of communication over the past week to their being on vacation.
They're OUT OF THE COUNTRY, right? Cut them some slack! Yes?
Oh, but of course you do.
The bright young sun rising to symbolize the advent of your new day and ever-so-poignant philosophy of progressive relationship-building slows to a stop. And by the third cycle of clicking through 15 vivid photos of your long lost potential fling, it begins to gradually roll right back into the east horizon from which it rose.
Now you're leaving comments and compliments throughout their photo album...
"How come you ain't invite me?"
*a new NOTIFICATION pops up*
[insert back-to-being-potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.
[insert potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.
[insert potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.
*cue instant heart rate increase and widening eyes*
FINALLY... a response! Nevermind why they didn't respond when you sent that text message or made that phone call. The point is that they did it now!
...you waste NO time at finding out what they said...
"Lol. I know right? Its just me and my family, tho. We're staying with my cousins in Kingston."
"You know how I do. LoL ;-)"
*cue feelings of satisfaction and quasi-bliss caused by the brief cyber-interaction between you and your potential bun*
It had been a week of silence.
Sure. Maybe a week is short for some...
...but for you?
No! A good date should never be followed by more than 3 days ...no...TWO days without so much as even a single text message.
Even a Facebook message would've sufficed!
Alas... the past is the past. And now, you've got not one... but THREE Facebook comments from your potential bun that were directed especially at you.
*sigh of contentment as the sensation of mushy warmth fills your inner being*
You feel liberated!
Your longing thirst for correspondence has been quenched and should sustain you for at least the next 3-5 days...which would be about the time you should begin to experience withdrawal symptoms again.
Finally, you can focus on other important matters like what you and your potential bun will do on the next date.
*cue thoughts of jerk chicken, plantains and ginger beer*