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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Can't Have Both

So I went to a cook-out this past summer.

There was great food cooked by the host’s girlfriend…who was Jamaican…
a few drinks *wink*…
good music…
and yes, a shortage of men and an abundance of women. *smile*

I expected nothing less from the host as he and his brother are consistent with the above-par quality of this annual event.

I went solo this year. Most of my friends were either working, bunned up, or just M.I.A. Plus, I just wanted to chill and do me for a change.

The cook-out started around 2:30pm. I got off of work around 3:30pm… got home around 4:30pm… got dressed… and went straight to the function around 5:30pm. In the past, arriving at one of these guy’s cookouts ‘on time’ was futile. The food wouldn’t be ready until 2 hours later, and folks (women) don’t really start to show until dusk anyway. So this year, my 5:30pm arrival time was actually the result of careful mitigation. The food was fresh, the drinks had barely been tapped, and the femalian species had just begun to trickle in. *schemingly rubbing hands together*

I was sitting at an empty spades table eating jerk chicken when, before I knew it, all three empty chairs were full with femalian specimens.

It was just me, them....and this jerk chicken.

Most guys have a P.F.S. Unit (Preferential Femalian Scanner Unit) internally installed prior to their birth. This unit is activated automatically during puberty and remains operational in various degrees until death. Its primary function is to develop and refine unique, desirable parameters regarding the femalian species and to screen such specimens against those parameters. Should the encountered specimen(s) meet those parameters, the P.F.S. Unit returns positive results to the male’s psyche and he is subsequently attracted to the specimen(s) in question; otherwise, the results are negative and the male is unmoved by their presence.

Needless to say, mine was implemented while eating my jerk chicken.

I sat quietly as the femalian counterparts laughed and conversed around me. Eventually, and almost expectantly, a comment was made amongst them that pertained to me. The culprit jokingly referred to me as a pimp since I was one solitary guy at a table full of women. *chuckle* Her comment was taken lightly. She was reasonably cute, too. However, since my P.F.S. unit had already returned less-than-desirable readings pertaining to these otherwise reasonably attractive femalians, I opted not to capitalize on the clear attempt to break the ice. I was cordial, of course, but I didn’t offer anything beyond a validating chuckle and smile. *continuing to eat my jerk chicken*

Suddenly, two new members of the femalian species arrived. I received positive reading from my P.F.S. unit and decided to migrate away from where I was sitting. I was full, so to seize more food was useless. …but these pecan brownie thingies that were not present during my prior acquisition of jerk chicken had caught my attention. I partook. Now I needed a new place to sit and enjoy these sweet morsels of wonderfulness; so I ventured indoors.

Ah, perfect!
There was a dining room table inside which was also where those two new femalian specimens had planted themselves. Recognizing the favorable circumstances, I capitalized on the opportunity to be social and investigate the positive readings I had received from my P.F.S. unit.

Both specimens had natural hair…locs to be exact. One possessed a caramel outer shell as the other was encased in a much darker chocolate wrapping. Their demeanor was inviting and welcoming. So I sat down while administering relevant humor to break the ice.

The ice broke with ease.

There were two other fellow Mars inhabitants at the table who were already engaged in dialogue with the femalians, but my B.D.U. (Blockage Detector Unit) did not detect hatage (‘hate’idge) or any other form of gatery (‘gate’er’E) so I was clear to dig. I proceeded to ask for the names of the femalians and their place of origin. There was an amicable exchange between the fellow Martians, the femalians, and myself. Eventually, my P.F.S. unit began to return more positive readings that pertained to only one of the femalian specimens instead of both. Naturally, then, my attention began to settle upon her.
As it turned out, she was fasting with the intent to cleanse her body from prior days of what she considered to be an ‘improper diet’. She was striving to be a ‘pescetarian’ as she avoided most meats except fish and crustaceans. She stayed fit and pretty much considered her health to be a priority. My P.F.S.U continued to return highly favorable results as I continued to entertain this chocolate one. In between words and laughter, I observed this specimen’s appearance and structural qualities…the aesthetic composition of her garments…and even recalled the harmonious movements of her frame when she walked - caused by the high-heeled wedges that encased her feet. *green L.E.D. light continues to flash on my P.F.S.U.*

Consciously, I ushered the conversation between myself and the Chocolate One across the plane of ‘negotiables’ and ‘non-negotiables’ …checking to see just how compatible she could be for a deeper friendship and, perhaps, an exclusive companion. So far, this femalian faired well. Soon, I found the golden opportunity to assess her spiritual background and beliefs. ...a joke about church…or perhaps a casual mention of “god” was all I needed as a segway into a discussion of spiritual allegiance.

I went first, weaving mention of my faith in Christ into a response to one of her comments. I noticed a change in the femalian’s demeanor. It was the first perceived sign of apprehension from this young specimen. My P.F.S.U. paused and immediately displayed “Calculating” on its LCD screen. Through further inquisition it became increasingly evident that she did not view Jesus Christ in the same way that I did. In fact, to the Chocolate One, Jesus was in mere comparison to other ‘great men’ of influence – like Muhammad, Gandhi, Buddha, and so forth. She began to divulge in her past research and historical findings concerning the fallacies of the church as we know it today… expressing her distaste of the debauchery of pre-Revolutionary European settlers as they used Christianity to manipulate and enslave those that they sought to conquer and control. Apparently, to the ultimate view of this Hershey femalian, the perceived deity of Jesus was a concocted overture developed through centuries of misinterpretation…more or less. Oh yes, and not to forget that Jesus was indeed Black.
ALAS! She did believe in God. But Christ? No. He was a mere prophet to be esteemed no higher than Muhammad or any other one of “society’s greatest humanitarian martyrs”.

*”Calculating” disappears from the screen of P.F.S.U. as “Denied” appears accompanied by a steady red L.E.D. light*

Interestingly enough, the femalian expressed full intent to ‘submit’ to her future husband much like a ‘Christian’ wife is traditionally expected to. She revealed her ‘old school’ ideology and made it known that she wouldn’t stand in the way if her husband, should he be a Christian, opted to involve their children into his church. I found it interesting, too, that this femalian was raised in the church, currently loved gospel music and the activities of church itself…but yet hardly attended and saw no reason to praise Jesus as Lord. She wanted a man with an ‘open mind’, and apparently, the femalian was disappointed with the narrow opening of mine.

My P.F.S.U. began to emit ‘minus’ symbols as the Chocolate One and I progressed in our conversation. And although the femalian specimen was of the utmost appeal, I was critically disappointed that we, had we ever united as a couple, would not be able to share in the worship Jesus Christ. He would only be my Savior, not hers.

At this point, the results from my P.F.S.U. had fully negated any prior findings regarding the Chocolate One. This femalian was ‘badd’, but my loyalty to Christ was paramount. Until the advent of spiritual matters and beliefs in our conversation, she was more than eligible. Unfortunately, though, the conclusion of our conversation returned me back to the ever-credible notion that the discovery a femalian with such beautiful and natural attributes, a high regard for health and fitness, AND demonstrative faith in Christ is rare to impossible.
Unfortunately, in my experience, one can only expect to find a woman on either side of the spectrum…not both. On one end, you get the modern day Angela Davis/Friday Foster with body oil that smells of ancient Frankincense and 3 Kings…. Or you get a Barbie doll with a lifestyle more aligned with Proverbs 31 and a Bible bookmarked in the Gospel of John. The afro-puff and fist-pumping specimen pays homage to many religions and loves “god” (which is seems to always be up for interpretation). The Revlon-clad dime, reminiscent of a Beyonce-gone-good, loves Christ and has been ‘successfully single‘ since she graduated college in 2003. One has the practical qualities I like while the other loves the Christ I love. It’s as if a woman who fits my preferences AND my faith doesn’t exist. Thus, I am often faced with the dilemma…

Do I abandon my desire for a femalian specimen with ‘natural essence’ and accept the many other eligible Christian femalians as viable mates? Or, do I hold on and stay true to one my strong preferences for someone who not only loves Jesus as their Lord and Savior, but who also embraces her natural beauty – inside and out (regardless of her ethnicity)?

Are my preferences reasonable?
Are they realistic?
I’m starting to wonder. *”Recalibrating” flashes across P.F.S.U. screen*