The "Candy Store"

I hear it often.

Perhaps you're the type who says it all of the time...

"Men are lucky. There are millions of women in this area for you to choose from." ("Millions"? Ha...Right.)

It's true. The ratio of women-to-men in the DMV [For my out-of-towners...that's DC, Maryland, Virginia] is lovely. That is, 'lovely' from a male perspective.

Now, while the ratio itself is seemingly in our favor, the task of choosing one woman out of, say, a 'million' isn't quite so lovely. Sure, it's easy when you're on a mission for fun *wink*. A cute face and a nice 'distracting' frame is pretty much all a guy needs to make thangs happen - whatever those 'thangs' might be - and he'll take care of the rest.

But what if he's not one of those guys? What if he's not just on a mission for shameless conquest? What if this man was looking NOT for the next 'jumpoff', but for something worth real commitment? What if his standards called for far more than a cute face and body that makes Apple Bottom jeans look like throwback Jordache'? What then?

I'll tell you 'what then'...

That wonderful 'candy store' ratio quickly turns into a 'candy shelf in the grocery checkout line' ratio.

Yes indeed. With as many women as there are in this wonderful land of milk and honey [all metaphorical implications welcome], only a small few could actually make the cut when analyzed against the standards of a man who has decided long ago not to think with his...flesh. *cue rimshot*

Bold statement, yes.

Risky? Perhaps.

True? I would argue so. In fact, here are some major variables - if you will - that, once considered, illustrate how fast a 'candy store' becomes more like the exiguous 'candy rack' next to the Essence magazines and Sodoku puzzle books:

#1 - She's not a Christian.
This first variable is from the perspective of a man who is not only a Christian, but is also serious about his 'walk' ["walk" basically refers to a person's daily commitment to living a Christ-honoring life). For him, this is an immediate, and tragically disappointing, deal-breaker. Quite frankly, she could look like a "Clueless-era" Stacey Dash; but if she doesn't love Christ, she is not a viable option. Furthermore, this dismal reality is arguably more prevalent here in the DMV than, say, skinny jeans. So where does that leave our candy selection? *boxes of KitKats and Junior Mints slip and fall onto the floor*

#2 - She's 'saved', but not serious.
Even though this particular category of women happens to be Christian *cha-ching!*, you couldn't tell because they look, talk, and/or act like her non-Christian associates *womp-womp*. Her Christian 'walk' is virtually imperceptible outside of 11:15am Sunday service. You would know your way around every nightclub in DC just by browsing through her photo albums on Facebook. Her dress code, too, is often suspect. At first, some women within this category often tend to fool our man with their chosen attire. However, a little patient observance will soon allow that mini-skirt/stiletto/cleavage ensemble to make its appearance at the 30th birthday bash at *drumroll* the nightclub or lounge. *background noises of Snickers bars making impact upon the ceramic tile floor in a gradually increasing one-by-one succession*

#3 - She's just not 'into' men.
Okay... She's a lesbian. Obviously, this isn't going to work for our man. Furthermore, this seems to be the case for pretty much every 2 out of 5 women in the DMV area! (Shoot, maybe even 3 out of 5!) Oh, and "Bi-curious" fits into this category as well.

#4 - She is hard to look at.
Men have preferences. *sarcastic "GASP"* Such preferences also vary among men. Nevertheless, if any given woman falls short of his preferences, well... "We can be friends" *smile*

Okay... For you curious individuals, I'll briefly expound upon some of those preferences that men generally have. [keyword: GENERALLY]:

• FACE
  A woman's face is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess! It must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must attract without the aid of *drumroll* make-up! [That's right ladies! Those hours spent turning your faces into a Van Gogh technicolor masterpiece could be working against you.]

• BODY TYPE
  A woman's body is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess!
  
  ...(wait for it)...
  
  Okay, yes. I said the exact same thing about a woman's face. It wasn't a mistake. A woman's body is pretty much on the same level of pertinence as her face. It, too, must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must be attractive without the aid of *drumroll* ...no, not make-up, but *drumroll* 'body shaping' undergarments (yes, men know about those). *rimshot* This applies mainly to those women who use such undergarments soley for superficial appeal, not to those who use them as a means towards weight loss. Nevertheless, regardless of the motive, know that these 'reshaper' tools risk projecting a false realty to the unsuspecting beholder. Be careful and, most of all, be honest. *throwback The More You Know shooting star glides across the screen*
  
  In addition to a woman's body being authentically attractive, it must be consistent. It doesn't matter if she's underweight, at-weight, or over-weight; if a man is attracted to it, he wants to remain attracted to it. Now, for all the aforementioned body sizes, adjusting your size/proportions in pursuit of improved health is ALWAYS a good idea...regardless of what a man is attracted to. So, if you're under/overweight, it might be time to hit up Weight Watchers...or Subway...and then the gym to tone that muscle. *cue Shawn T. Hiphop Abs*
  
  There are many other factors of a woman's 'look-at-ability', but I've already covered the most basic...plus I did promise to be brief. Let's move on.

#5 - She is hard to deal with.
Loud. Obnoxious. Cantankerous. Disrespectful. Insecure. Crazy.
These wonderful S.A.T. words describe a wide demographic of women that most men dread and loathe. To cut to the chase, allow me to expound upon each attribute in brief detail:

• Loud
  This is a sign of ignorance. She who possesses this attribute often lacks self-control as she tends to instinctively raise her voice beyond reasonable levels when she experiences feelings of anger and/or disgust.
  
  
• Obnoxious
  The woman who possesses this attribute often lacks tact and, thus, tends to act out her anger and/or disgust with almost total disregard of her surroundings and environment (ie. a restaurant). Our man is virtually unable to take this woman anywhere without sure embarrassment. And, to make matters worse, any outward manifestations of his embarrassment are only sure to further enhance the performance by this woman. "Check please!".

• Cantankerous
  This woman seems to have a deep-rooted inability to operate smoothly with the opposite sex. She lacks many of the fundamental skills of effective communication. She tends to view the man as a holistic threat as opposed to a companion. Cooperation with this type of woman is, thus, a phenomenon that is only in play when it is to her apparent benefit. A man who selects such a woman must be somehow prepared for constant friction and turmoil.
  
  
• Disrespectful
  This woman is a oft times a mixture of the above attributes along with the added 'spice' of derogation. She is as much a private liability as she is a public liability.

• Insecure
  This isn't your typical self-conscious woman who is worried about how her short chubby legs look while wearing a skirt. This doesn't even pertain to the type of woman who is sensitive about comments regarding the birthmark on her forehead. No. This class of insecurity refers to the type of woman who routinely performs covert reconnaissance missions through her man's cellphone contacts and call history while he is not around. *cue Mission Impossible theme music* This is the type of woman who makes frequent and unfounded accusations of infidelity. To her, any female who crosses her man's path is automatically a threat and, consequently, a cause of countless arguments and interrogations. She, too, can not be taken anywhere unless the man is prepared to defend himself against erroneous accusations of 'looking at this woman's chest' or 'that woman's butt'.
  
  Another interesting aspect of the insecure woman is her tendency to get distracted by direct attention from others...especially that from men other than her own. *raised eyebrow...Dwayne Johnson style* Because this woman needs constant attention - attention that her man alone can not provide - she is highly vulnerable to any source of affirmation and emotional pacification. To be frank, this type of woman, when single, is considered 'easy'. Once she is in a relationship, she is then most liable to be 'unfaithful'. *car drives by with Project Pat - Don't Save Her playing at full volume* "NEEEXT!"

• CrAzY
  Many men, far and wide, have at least one grim tale concerning one of these types of women. *soft, gloomy crescendo of orchestral string ensemble* She may not only possess several, or all, of the above attributes, but she also carries the trait of *dunh duhn DUHN*...INSANITY! *classic Alfred Hitchcock scream in the distance*
  She has no control over her unstable emotions because, frankly, they control her - which tends to make her appear bipolar, schizophrenic, and high all at the same time. She is often delusional when faced with the mildest of stressful conditions. She is known to openly blame her man for mistakes that only men from her past have made. She often interprets most of the words and actions of her man as an attack upon her happiness, health, or...who knows. *SMH* She can be a habitual liar, a vindictive brat, or perhaps even a self-victimizing manipulator.
  The scariest part, though, is her ability to blend seamlessly into the pool of otherwise stable women...in the beginning. She is often spoken of with high esteem by acquaintances and associates. At social events and gatherings, she is pleasant. She makes a wonderful first impression. However...*the colorful portrait slowly turns gray as the cheerful melody eerily transitions into twisted melancholy, complete with overdubbed voice of little girl singing "la la la..." slightly off-key* ...only those who have somehow delved deep enough to truly know her (ie. family and significant others) have any clue of her dark side. *cue iconic Jason Voorhees whisper*
  
  EXAMPLE
  
  *slow creak followed by the loud metallic crash of wire-frame candy racks as Skittles, M&Ms, and IceBreakers scatter and bounce freely across the floor*

It is at this moment that our man of decent standard realizes just how little of a selection he truly has. He looks around his feet at the Butterfingers... the Snickers bars... the M&Ms. He sees the Skittles, once a personal favorite in his past days of naivety, and remembers that sweet artificial taste of strawberry. Briefly overcome by the lure of modified corn starch and xanthan gum, he proceeds to bend down and reach for a little red Skittle with that semi-faded white "S" imprinted upon its outer shell. His relapse is cut short as his inhibition reminds him that he's about to eat off of the floor. Returning to his senses, he scans across the remaining array of candy that has endured this brutal round of the discrimination process. It is a small shelf - the last one standing - and it displays a variety of much narrower proportions.

He reaches out to grab a shiny bag of Raisinetes. Peering at the nutrition facts, he notes the presence of several of his favorite ingredients. However, the amount of carbohydrates is a bit more than he would prefer. He sets it back down amongst the other yellow Nestle'-branded plastic bags. He tilts his head up and down the modest candy rack, scanning over the Altoids, shaking his head at the Starbursts, and sighing at the cute but unsatiating orange-flavored TicTacs. This rack here has nothing for him. Tastey and sweet they may all be...but not for him.

He leaves the aisle and proceeds toward the automated sliding doors. He's disappointed, but optimistic. His stride is calm. After all, what's the rush?

[untitled]

Just being introspective tonight

having just ended a good outing with a new friend

a new friend who seems to be of high standard

one of those types that really make you sit back and take note of where YOU fall short

like

Wow. I really need to step MY game up in a few areas

areas that they at least seem to be much stronger in

areas that you value and want to improve yourself in

...humbling experience...

yet frustrating in a sense that

well, honestly...

you're attracted to them

and these qualities,

though at this early stage in the friendship are merely a first impression,

really make pursuing them seem like a daunting task...

...like

you're gonna have to really be ready for that caliber of person

you can't be all lukewarm, so-so, nonchalant...

just kinda going with the flow in certain areas

They say they're intimidated by strong women

I say 'sure', some are

but this isn't quite the same...

I'm actually attracted to this one even more

I just have to do a little homework on myself,

a little self-inventory and assessment

...This is all really tiring

and oft times doesn't end quite like you want it to...

Can't Have Both

So I went to a cook-out this past summer.

There was great food cooked by the host’s girlfriend…who was Jamaican…
a few drinks *wink*…
good music…
and yes, a shortage of men and an abundance of women. *smile*

I expected nothing less from the host as he and his brother are consistent with the above-par quality of this annual event.

I went solo this year. Most of my friends were either working, bunned up, or just M.I.A. Plus, I just wanted to chill and do me for a change.

The cook-out started around 2:30pm. I got off of work around 3:30pm… got home around 4:30pm… got dressed… and went straight to the function around 5:30pm. In the past, arriving at one of these guy’s cookouts ‘on time’ was futile. The food wouldn’t be ready until 2 hours later, and folks (women) don’t really start to show until dusk anyway. So this year, my 5:30pm arrival time was actually the result of careful mitigation. The food was fresh, the drinks had barely been tapped, and the femalian species had just begun to trickle in. *schemingly rubbing hands together*

I was sitting at an empty spades table eating jerk chicken when, before I knew it, all three empty chairs were full with femalian specimens.

It was just me, them....and this jerk chicken.

Most guys have a P.F.S. Unit (Preferential Femalian Scanner Unit) internally installed prior to their birth. This unit is activated automatically during puberty and remains operational in various degrees until death. Its primary function is to develop and refine unique, desirable parameters regarding the femalian species and to screen such specimens against those parameters. Should the encountered specimen(s) meet those parameters, the P.F.S. Unit returns positive results to the male’s psyche and he is subsequently attracted to the specimen(s) in question; otherwise, the results are negative and the male is unmoved by their presence.

Needless to say, mine was implemented while eating my jerk chicken.

I sat quietly as the femalian counterparts laughed and conversed around me. Eventually, and almost expectantly, a comment was made amongst them that pertained to me. The culprit jokingly referred to me as a pimp since I was one solitary guy at a table full of women. *chuckle* Her comment was taken lightly. She was reasonably cute, too. However, since my P.F.S. unit had already returned less-than-desirable readings pertaining to these otherwise reasonably attractive femalians, I opted not to capitalize on the clear attempt to break the ice. I was cordial, of course, but I didn’t offer anything beyond a validating chuckle and smile. *continuing to eat my jerk chicken*

Suddenly, two new members of the femalian species arrived. I received positive reading from my P.F.S. unit and decided to migrate away from where I was sitting. I was full, so to seize more food was useless. …but these pecan brownie thingies that were not present during my prior acquisition of jerk chicken had caught my attention. I partook. Now I needed a new place to sit and enjoy these sweet morsels of wonderfulness; so I ventured indoors.

Ah, perfect!
There was a dining room table inside which was also where those two new femalian specimens had planted themselves. Recognizing the favorable circumstances, I capitalized on the opportunity to be social and investigate the positive readings I had received from my P.F.S. unit.

Both specimens had natural hair…locs to be exact. One possessed a caramel outer shell as the other was encased in a much darker chocolate wrapping. Their demeanor was inviting and welcoming. So I sat down while administering relevant humor to break the ice.

The ice broke with ease.

There were two other fellow Mars inhabitants at the table who were already engaged in dialogue with the femalians, but my B.D.U. (Blockage Detector Unit) did not detect hatage (‘hate’idge) or any other form of gatery (‘gate’er’E) so I was clear to dig. I proceeded to ask for the names of the femalians and their place of origin. There was an amicable exchange between the fellow Martians, the femalians, and myself. Eventually, my P.F.S. unit began to return more positive readings that pertained to only one of the femalian specimens instead of both. Naturally, then, my attention began to settle upon her.
As it turned out, she was fasting with the intent to cleanse her body from prior days of what she considered to be an ‘improper diet’. She was striving to be a ‘pescetarian’ as she avoided most meats except fish and crustaceans. She stayed fit and pretty much considered her health to be a priority. My P.F.S.U continued to return highly favorable results as I continued to entertain this chocolate one. In between words and laughter, I observed this specimen’s appearance and structural qualities…the aesthetic composition of her garments…and even recalled the harmonious movements of her frame when she walked - caused by the high-heeled wedges that encased her feet. *green L.E.D. light continues to flash on my P.F.S.U.*

Consciously, I ushered the conversation between myself and the Chocolate One across the plane of ‘negotiables’ and ‘non-negotiables’ …checking to see just how compatible she could be for a deeper friendship and, perhaps, an exclusive companion. So far, this femalian faired well. Soon, I found the golden opportunity to assess her spiritual background and beliefs. ...a joke about church…or perhaps a casual mention of “god” was all I needed as a segway into a discussion of spiritual allegiance.

I went first, weaving mention of my faith in Christ into a response to one of her comments. I noticed a change in the femalian’s demeanor. It was the first perceived sign of apprehension from this young specimen. My P.F.S.U. paused and immediately displayed “Calculating” on its LCD screen. Through further inquisition it became increasingly evident that she did not view Jesus Christ in the same way that I did. In fact, to the Chocolate One, Jesus was in mere comparison to other ‘great men’ of influence – like Muhammad, Gandhi, Buddha, and so forth. She began to divulge in her past research and historical findings concerning the fallacies of the church as we know it today… expressing her distaste of the debauchery of pre-Revolutionary European settlers as they used Christianity to manipulate and enslave those that they sought to conquer and control. Apparently, to the ultimate view of this Hershey femalian, the perceived deity of Jesus was a concocted overture developed through centuries of misinterpretation…more or less. Oh yes, and not to forget that Jesus was indeed Black.
ALAS! She did believe in God. But Christ? No. He was a mere prophet to be esteemed no higher than Muhammad or any other one of “society’s greatest humanitarian martyrs”.

*”Calculating” disappears from the screen of P.F.S.U. as “Denied” appears accompanied by a steady red L.E.D. light*

Interestingly enough, the femalian expressed full intent to ‘submit’ to her future husband much like a ‘Christian’ wife is traditionally expected to. She revealed her ‘old school’ ideology and made it known that she wouldn’t stand in the way if her husband, should he be a Christian, opted to involve their children into his church. I found it interesting, too, that this femalian was raised in the church, currently loved gospel music and the activities of church itself…but yet hardly attended and saw no reason to praise Jesus as Lord. She wanted a man with an ‘open mind’, and apparently, the femalian was disappointed with the narrow opening of mine.

My P.F.S.U. began to emit ‘minus’ symbols as the Chocolate One and I progressed in our conversation. And although the femalian specimen was of the utmost appeal, I was critically disappointed that we, had we ever united as a couple, would not be able to share in the worship Jesus Christ. He would only be my Savior, not hers.

At this point, the results from my P.F.S.U. had fully negated any prior findings regarding the Chocolate One. This femalian was ‘badd’, but my loyalty to Christ was paramount. Until the advent of spiritual matters and beliefs in our conversation, she was more than eligible. Unfortunately, though, the conclusion of our conversation returned me back to the ever-credible notion that the discovery a femalian with such beautiful and natural attributes, a high regard for health and fitness, AND demonstrative faith in Christ is rare to impossible.
Unfortunately, in my experience, one can only expect to find a woman on either side of the spectrum…not both. On one end, you get the modern day Angela Davis/Friday Foster with body oil that smells of ancient Frankincense and 3 Kings…. Or you get a Barbie doll with a lifestyle more aligned with Proverbs 31 and a Bible bookmarked in the Gospel of John. The afro-puff and fist-pumping specimen pays homage to many religions and loves “god” (which is seems to always be up for interpretation). The Revlon-clad dime, reminiscent of a Beyonce-gone-good, loves Christ and has been ‘successfully single‘ since she graduated college in 2003. One has the practical qualities I like while the other loves the Christ I love. It’s as if a woman who fits my preferences AND my faith doesn’t exist. Thus, I am often faced with the dilemma…

Do I abandon my desire for a femalian specimen with ‘natural essence’ and accept the many other eligible Christian femalians as viable mates? Or, do I hold on and stay true to one my strong preferences for someone who not only loves Jesus as their Lord and Savior, but who also embraces her natural beauty – inside and out (regardless of her ethnicity)?

Are my preferences reasonable?
Are they realistic?
I’m starting to wonder. *”Recalibrating” flashes across P.F.S.U. screen*