The Motley Sage

On My Level - Part 2 :: Elitism in the Dating Game

2011-06-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

I have witnessed and taken part in many discussions amongst young singles that have either directly or indirectly touched upon the issue of 'eligibility'.

Such discussions are often inaugurated by one or more women who are curious to uncover the thoughts and opinions of the men present.

"So... I mean, what is it that guys look for in a woman?"

The question above may be followed by some sort of contextual reinforcement in order to minimize the amount of generic answers received; and Voila! ...another 'relationship conversation' has begun.

Soon enough, another one of the most common questions posed by single women during such conversations arises:

[Variation 1] "Why are men intimidated by successful women?"
[Variation 2] "So do you guys find women who make more money than you intimidating?"

In the past, I have taken pride many times in responding with a confident "Absolutely not... I actually find [advanced material/occupational/educational success] to be attractive." I may include clarifying statements and/or scenarios along with my answer to ensure that no one misunderstood me to say that my attraction is either limited to abundantly successful women, or somehow contingent upon how earthly successful she is. In other words, I measure the quality of a woman based on factors that exceed her material accomplishments.

Today, however, my response to the question of 'intimidation' may require some adjustment. This adjustment comes as a result of my own observations and encounters with many [not 'all'] women who use their own material success as a template to gauge the quality of their male counterparts.

I have sat quietly and listened to too many women openly and emphatically refer to themselves as the 'cream of the crop' while explicitly referencing their advanced degrees, occupations and self-sufficiency to substantiate these claims of echelon. To them, a 'good' woman possesses these credentials; and a 'good' man, therefore, matches or exceeds these credentials. Rarely are virtues such as wisdom and integrity discussed as discriminating factors. Instead, salary expectations, occupational status and superficial appeal seem to rank as the highest priorities.

As some of these women are straightforward in communicating such standards, others are much more subtle. During relevant group conversations, one or more may share their past dating experiences; emphatically recollecting the pros and cons of each encounter. Sadly, it is usually in hindsight when these particular women finally assess the character of the men they date - ie. AFTER he has cheated; AFTER he has managed to keep their dating status 'ambiguous'; AFTER he has shown himself to be as just shallow in his own assessments of her relational eligibility.

Following the long list of cons, the pros usually consist merely of the external attributes that 'fooled' them into believing that Mr. Wrong was Mr. Right - ie. how he dressed; where he worked; what he drove; his affiliations; how nice his smile was; etc.

"Girl... I thought he was it! I mean, he was a lawyer, had a nice place in that new neighborhood I told you about... brutha was gorgeous! No kids, goes to church, paid, went to Morehouse, girl....More-house...[etc etc]."

Now, external appeal, within itself, is not something that should be overlooked in its entirety. However, it should be kept within proper perspective.

Presently, many women place much too high of an emphasis upon what a man has as opposed to who the man has proven to be. What a man has can be justifiably weighed as important - ie. Does he have a job and is it steady and progressive? Does he have transportation and does he maintain it well? Does he have good credit and, thus, properly manage his finances (a reflection upon his character - who he is).

However, when a man's possessions are weighed against lavish standards and then used to make a qualitative assessment of his relational personhood, it is no longer justifiable – just as it is equally absurd for a man to use the physical appeal of a woman as the sole and exclusive factor in assessing her relational personhood.

Those women who advocate such lofty standards often present several common arguments in order to substantiate their expectations. Some of these arguments, within themselves, may possess some level of validity. However, when considering the positions in which these particular women stand, most of the arguments prove to have no real merit.

1. Stability/Security
For women, financial stability and security are two of the most essential attributes of a marriage.

Are the bills being paid?
Is the rent/mortgage taken care of?
Is there food on the table?
Are the children provided for?

It is imperative that each of these questions, among others, are answered with a consistent 'yes'. Wherever there is a 'no', there is a lack of stability and security.

However, the dynamic changes when considering the female demographic in question.

On their own, these women are able to maintain a lifestyle where all facets of stability and security are taken care of - and, in many cases, with luxury. Therefore, any supplementation provided by a man with any level of stable income - provided that he's financially responsible - would only add to an already secure and stable lifestyle. So, for these women, this argument would only prove valid if they planned to quit their own jobs and rely solely upon the occupational competencies of their husbands-to-be; which is not an unreasonable scenario...albeit unlikely.

2. Respect
Generally, a respectable man is one with good character and who exercises sound wisdom and discernment. He works hard and smart at whatever he does. He is trustworthy. He has integrity. He is responsible and respectful. These credentials describe a caliber of man that demands respect.

These are also the credentials that are often NOT considered when the argument of 'respect' is posed by many women within this particular demographic.

Instead, this argument is founded upon the notion that if a man is to be worthy of his woman's respect in a relationship/marriage, he must be at or above her 'level'. Otherwise, she 'can not' respect him. This may be one of the most poignant arguments because it strongly implies that a man with 'less' is, in fact, less.

Less than what exactly? Respectable?

Again, once the material status of these women is considered, there really could be no other insinuation besides the 'eligibility' of respect.

One couldn't say "less than capable of providing for me" since she has proven to be capable of providing well above her own needs.

One couldn't say "less than capable of relating to me" as it would only further incriminate since it implies that earthly prestige is key in order to spark and maintain a substantive relationship.

3. The Double Standard

In terms of general attraction, men are known to be visually stimulated and physically motivated more than their female counterparts. Therefore, in general, attraction for a man typically begins with his subjective perception of a woman's physical attributes and presentation. In other words, if he likes what he sees, a level of attraction has begun.

In cases where the man is looking for any type of substantive relationship far and beyond mere sexual gratification, the same physical attributes that he has found favorable are simply not enough to substantiate a decision to pursue that female. In other words, she may look good, but is she good for him? This is the question that many men ask themselves once they have found a woman to be at least physically attractive. It is a question of her personality, her character, her values and more.

Now, there are other men who fail to ask themselves this very question. These men in particular, once having found a woman to be physically attractive, use her physical appeal as the sole measurement of her relational eligibility. In other words, instead of factoring in her character and holistic compatibility, these men are assessing and choosing their women based exclusively upon on their 'looks'.

In terms of superficial attraction, this phenomenon, devoid of any further assessment of the substantive quality of a woman, is no different from a woman's use of material prestige as the sole measurement of a man's relational eligibility. Both methods are equally as vacuous and ultimately ineffectual. Nonetheless, there are members within both genders who refer to these insipid discriminative practices of the opposite sex in order to condone the same fruitless practices of their own. The general underlying argument is as such:

"[The opposite sex] do it all the time. Why can't we?".

This is one major facet of the 'double standard' argument.

Another facet of the 'double standard' argument generally seeks to draw a universal parallel between the materialistic standards of some women and the natural regard that men have for a woman's physical appeal.

One who subscribes to such an argument may assert that a woman's preoccupation with the material assets of a man is no different from a man's preoccupation with the physical assets of a woman. However, unlike the first component of the 'double standard' argument which seeks to condone one shallow perspective on relational eligibility by implicating another, this component attempts to draw a direct link between shallow materialism and the natural inclination for physical attraction.

It is a case of "apples and oranges"; indicating a common misconception that suggests that a man's basic inherent need to be physically attracted to his potential 'wife' is merely unambitious and sophomoric.

This facet of the 'double standard' argument, then, infers a general misunderstanding of both men and the key areas of relational [marital] intimacy.

Because the above arguments fail to substantiate or excuse any notion that a man must achieve an elevated level of material success before he is relationally eligible, it would be more than reasonable to suggest that the true genesis of such lofty requirements is materialism and elitism.

Materialism: a doctrine that the only or the highest values or objectives lie in material well-being and in the furtherance of material progress

Elite:
1. the socially superior part of society
2. a group of persons who by virtue of position or education exercise much power or influence

Many women, having placed such a disproportionate emphasis on material success, have demonstrated that they are subconsciously - or perhaps even consciously - concerned more with collaborative earthly status than substantive intimacy.

Many times have I heard such women fantasize about finding that 'right man', having that 'big wedding', buying that 'big house', and living that 'big lifestyle' happily ever after. Clearly, then, it is about finding a man who is able to transform such a fantasy into a reality; and a man who appears less than capable of bringing such a fantasy into fruition is, therefore, not eligible.

So while they may think and/or claim that they are seeking a respectable man who can help provide a stable, secure, and holistically successful relationship, these particular women are actually in search of a man who is best equipped to provide a superficial image thereof.

Image.

Many of these women are preoccupied with a man's level of prestige because they want to look good with him. There is often a desire for the proverbial 'power couple' image. It sounds nice. It receives critical acclaim amongst friends and associates. It is a step up on the socioeconomic ladder.

From this perspective, the societal prestige of being a lawyer 'complements' that of, say, a doctor. However, the societal prestige of a school teacher and that of a doctor do not complement one another and, therefore, the two individuals are not considered 'compatible' - unless, of course, the female is the school teacher.

Some of these women, having been raised in luxurious accommodations most of their lives, express the 'prerequisite' that a man must be able to provide her a comparable, privileged lifestyle. This is perhaps one of the many perverted instantiations of the 'security and stability' argument. Such a woman has placed a higher value upon the prospect of living an opulent lifestyle rather than upon the prospect of a progressive and substantively successful relationship/marriage. While her desire for luxurious accommodations does not, in and of itself, demand disapprobation; it is the misapplication of such a desire towards the assessment of relational eligibility that does.

A dominant concern with the acquisition and/or maintenance of image and status implies that there is a lack of concern with substantive personal growth and character.

Sure...generally speaking, most women want a man with integrity and commendable character. However, to allow themselves to be distracted by the prospect of palpable clout only places them at risk of ultimate relational disappointment.

Such women, having placed a higher value on material prestige, fail to assess whether or not their chosen male prospects have the integrity and character to help build a healthy relationship. Their disregard for essential virtues such as integrity and character, then, signifies a strong lack thereof within themselves; and it is that very lack of character within these particular women that actually renders them relationally ineligible.

...how ironic.

On My Level - Part 1 :: Delusions of Compatibility

2011-05-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

It's 2011.

In this day and age, women of color (namely African American women) are making substantial progress in the corporate/professional arena. With respect to their careers, they are ascending to and beyond various milestones of success and realizing many of their goals. They are undoubtedly a growing formidable power in the workforce.

With respect to education, and focusing primarily on the DMV (Washington DC, Maryland, Virgina) demographic, to encounter an African American woman who does not possess at least one advanced degree is a rarity; although, however, it is most likely that she is currently in school in pursuit of such a degree.

Regarding financial status, many women in this category are oft times well compensated. They may live in anything from condominiums to single-family detached homes that they alone afford. They drive late-model vehicles. Their wardrobes are oft times far from meager in variety and breadth. They also vacation in premier locations across the country as well as abroad.

Such women have either worked hard to obtain this level of earthly success, or have been wise and prudent enough to properly manage and capitalize upon what has been passed down to them by, perhaps, their parents. Regardless of the cause or source of there status, they've made it. Unfortunately, though, earthly success has not equated to relational/romantic success for many of these women.

Within the context of romantic relationships, there exists a growing sentiment within this female demographic that suggests a man must have obtained the same level of earthly success before he can be considered 'eligible'. Amongst many of these women, it is a commonly held belief that a man is not 'on their level' if he does not either possess, or is not in pursuit of, the tangible distinctions of prosperity and education comparable to that of their own.

See ABC News Article: Single, Black, Female -- and Plenty of Company

"There are a lot of women, though, who are trying to match up their education level, who are trying to match up their corporate status to find somebody on the same level..."

It would therefore be reasonable to assume that these women believe what makes one vocationally and/or materially successful would likewise produce relational success. After all, to establish comparable prestige as a prerequisite for 'romantic eligibility' not only implies that such "prestige", in their mind, is a conclusive measure of the quality of a man, but is also the foundation of a romantic relationship that is holistically successful.

No romance if no finance...yes? Arguably so. However, this frame of logic seems to venture far beyond the valid notion that a man must have livable income, progressive employment and, perhaps, reliable transportation before he is considered 'eligible'. To follow such logic would suggest, then, that the aforementioned parameters are insufficient; especially if the material credentials of the scrutinizing woman exceed them in any way. If that is the case.... Why?

Why is a man deemed 'ineligible' if he does not either match, exceed, or aspire to obtain the same tangible distinctions of prosperity and education as that of his female counterpart?

Why is comparable prestige a prerequisite to 'romantic eligibility'?

Why is the relational validity of a man measured by his corporeal prosperity?

Why, then, is the substantive character of a man, outside of all tangible wealth and status, widely neglected by so many amongst this demographic of women?

[See On My Level - Part 2 :: Elitism in the Dating Game COMING SOON]

The "Candy Store"

2011-04-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

I hear it often.

Perhaps you're the type who says it all of the time...

"Men are lucky. There are millions of women in this area for you to choose from." ("Millions"? Ha...Right.)

It's true. The ratio of women-to-men in the DMV [For my out-of-towners...that's DC, Maryland, Virginia] is lovely. That is, 'lovely' from a male perspective.

Now, while the ratio itself is seemingly in our favor, the task of choosing one woman out of, say, a 'million' isn't quite so lovely. Sure, it's easy when you're on a mission for fun *wink*. A cute face and a nice 'distracting' frame is pretty much all a guy needs to make thangs happen - whatever those 'thangs' might be - and he'll take care of the rest.

But what if he's not one of those guys? What if he's not just on a mission for shameless conquest? What if this man was looking NOT for the next 'jumpoff', but for something worth real commitment? What if his standards called for far more than a cute face and body that makes Apple Bottom jeans look like throwback Jordache'? What then?

I'll tell you 'what then'...

That wonderful 'candy store' ratio quickly turns into a 'candy shelf in the grocery checkout line' ratio.

Yes indeed. With as many women as there are in this wonderful land of milk and honey [all metaphorical implications welcome], only a small few could actually make the cut when analyzed against the standards of a man who has decided long ago not to think with his...flesh. *cue rimshot*

Bold statement, yes.

Risky? Perhaps.

True? I would argue so. In fact, here are some major variables - if you will - that, once considered, illustrate how fast a 'candy store' becomes more like the exiguous 'candy rack' next to the Essence magazines and Sodoku puzzle books:

#1 - She's not a Christian.
This first variable is from the perspective of a man who is not only a Christian, but is also serious about his 'walk' ["walk" basically refers to a person's daily commitment to living a Christ-honoring life). For him, this is an immediate, and tragically disappointing, deal-breaker. Quite frankly, she could look like a "Clueless-era" Stacey Dash; but if she doesn't love Christ, she is not a viable option. Furthermore, this dismal reality is arguably more prevalent here in the DMV than, say, skinny jeans. So where does that leave our candy selection? *boxes of KitKats and Junior Mints slip and fall onto the floor*

#2 - She's 'saved', but not serious.
Even though this particular category of women happens to be Christian *cha-ching!*, you couldn't tell because they look, talk, and/or act like her non-Christian associates *womp-womp*. Her Christian 'walk' is virtually imperceptible outside of 11:15am Sunday service. You would know your way around every nightclub in DC just by browsing through her photo albums on Facebook. Her dress code, too, is often suspect. At first, some women within this category often tend to fool our man with their chosen attire. However, a little patient observance will soon allow that mini-skirt/stiletto/cleavage ensemble to make its appearance at the 30th birthday bash at *drumroll* the nightclub or lounge. *background noises of Snickers bars making impact upon the ceramic tile floor in a gradually increasing one-by-one succession*

#3 - She's just not 'into' men.
Okay... She's a lesbian. Obviously, this isn't going to work for our man. Furthermore, this seems to be the case for pretty much every 2 out of 5 women in the DMV area! (Shoot, maybe even 3 out of 5!) Oh, and "Bi-curious" fits into this category as well.

#4 - She is hard to look at.
Men have preferences. *sarcastic "GASP"* Such preferences also vary among men. Nevertheless, if any given woman falls short of his preferences, well... "We can be friends" *smile*

Okay... For you curious individuals, I'll briefly expound upon some of those preferences that men generally have. [keyword: GENERALLY]:

FACE
A woman's face is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess! It must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must attract without the aid of *drumroll* make-up! [That's right ladies! Those hours spent turning your faces into a Van Gogh technicolor masterpiece could be working against you.]

BODY TYPE
A woman's body is perhaps the absolute most important feature that she could possess!

...(wait for it)...

Okay, yes. I said the exact same thing about a woman's face. It wasn't a mistake. A woman's body is pretty much on the same level of pertinence as her face. It, too, must attract. Not only that, but for an increasing amount of men, it must be attractive without the aid of *drumroll* ...no, not make-up, but *drumroll* 'body shaping' undergarments (yes, men know about those). *rimshot* This applies mainly to those women who use such undergarments soley for superficial appeal, not to those who use them as a means towards weight loss. Nevertheless, regardless of the motive, know that these 'reshaper' tools risk projecting a false realty to the unsuspecting beholder. Be careful and, most of all, be honest. *throwback The More You Know shooting star glides across the screen*

In addition to a woman's body being authentically attractive, it must be consistent. It doesn't matter if she's underweight, at-weight, or over-weight; if a man is attracted to it, he wants to remain attracted to it. Now, for all the aforementioned body sizes, adjusting your size/proportions in pursuit of improved health is ALWAYS a good idea...regardless of what a man is attracted to. So, if you're under/overweight, it might be time to hit up Weight Watchers...or Subway...and then the gym to tone that muscle. *cue Shawn T. Hiphop Abs*

There are many other factors of a woman's 'look-at-ability', but I've already covered the most basic...plus I did promise to be brief. Let's move on.

#5 - She is hard to deal with.
Loud. Obnoxious. Cantankerous. Disrespectful. Insecure. Crazy.
These wonderful S.A.T. words describe a wide demographic of women that most men dread and loathe. To cut to the chase, allow me to expound upon each attribute in brief detail:

Loud
This is a sign of ignorance. She who possesses this attribute often lacks self-control as she tends to instinctively raise her voice beyond reasonable levels when she experiences feelings of anger and/or disgust.
Obnoxious
The woman who possesses this attribute often lacks tact and, thus, tends to act out her anger and/or disgust with almost total disregard of her surroundings and environment (ie. a restaurant). Our man is virtually unable to take this woman anywhere without sure embarrassment. And, to make matters worse, any outward manifestations of his embarrassment are only sure to further enhance the performance by this woman. "Check please!".

Cantankerous
This woman seems to have a deep-rooted inability to operate smoothly with the opposite sex. She lacks many of the fundamental skills of effective communication. She tends to view the man as a holistic threat as opposed to a companion. Cooperation with this type of woman is, thus, a phenomenon that is only in play when it is to her apparent benefit. A man who selects such a woman must be somehow prepared for constant friction and turmoil.
Disrespectful
This woman is a oft times a mixture of the above attributes along with the added 'spice' of derogation. She is as much a private liability as she is a public liability.

Insecure
This isn't your typical self-conscious woman who is worried about how her short chubby legs look while wearing a skirt. This doesn't even pertain to the type of woman who is sensitive about comments regarding the birthmark on her forehead. No. This class of insecurity refers to the type of woman who routinely performs covert reconnaissance missions through her man's cellphone contacts and call history while he is not around. *cue Mission Impossible theme music* This is the type of woman who makes frequent and unfounded accusations of infidelity. To her, any female who crosses her man's path is automatically a threat and, consequently, a cause of countless arguments and interrogations. She, too, can not be taken anywhere unless the man is prepared to defend himself against erroneous accusations of 'looking at this woman's chest' or 'that woman's butt'.

Another interesting aspect of the insecure woman is her tendency to get distracted by direct attention from others...especially that from men other than her own. *raised eyebrow...Dwayne Johnson style* Because this woman needs constant attention - attention that her man alone can not provide - she is highly vulnerable to any source of affirmation and emotional pacification. To be frank, this type of woman, when single, is considered 'easy'. Once she is in a relationship, she is then most liable to be 'unfaithful'. *car drives by with Project Pat - Don't Save Her playing at full volume* "NEEEXT!"

CrAzY
Many men, far and wide, have at least one grim tale concerning one of these types of women. *soft, gloomy crescendo of orchestral string ensemble* She may not only possess several, or all, of the above attributes, but she also carries the trait of *dunh duhn DUHN*...INSANITY! *classic Alfred Hitchcock scream in the distance*
She has no control over her unstable emotions because, frankly, they control her - which tends to make her appear bipolar, schizophrenic, and high all at the same time. She is often delusional when faced with the mildest of stressful conditions. She is known to openly blame her man for mistakes that only men from her past have made. She often interprets most of the words and actions of her man as an attack upon her happiness, health, or...who knows. *SMH* She can be a habitual liar, a vindictive brat, or perhaps even a self-victimizing manipulator.
The scariest part, though, is her ability to blend seamlessly into the pool of otherwise stable women...in the beginning. She is often spoken of with high esteem by acquaintances and associates. At social events and gatherings, she is pleasant. She makes a wonderful first impression. However...*the colorful portrait slowly turns gray as the cheerful melody eerily transitions into twisted melancholy, complete with overdubbed voice of little girl singing "la la la..." slightly off-key* ...only those who have somehow delved deep enough to truly know her (ie. family and significant others) have any clue of her dark side. *cue iconic Jason Voorhees whisper*

EXAMPLE

*slow creak followed by the loud metallic crash of wire-frame candy racks as Skittles, M&Ms, and IceBreakers scatter and bounce freely across the floor*

It is at this moment that our man of decent standard realizes just how little of a selection he truly has. He looks around his feet at the Butterfingers... the Snickers bars... the M&Ms. He sees the Skittles, once a personal favorite in his past days of naivety, and remembers that sweet artificial taste of strawberry. Briefly overcome by the lure of modified corn starch and xanthan gum, he proceeds to bend down and reach for a little red Skittle with that semi-faded white "S" imprinted upon its outer shell. His relapse is cut short as his inhibition reminds him that he's about to eat off of the floor. Returning to his senses, he scans across the remaining array of candy that has endured this brutal round of the discrimination process. It is a small shelf - the last one standing - and it displays a variety of much narrower proportions.

He reaches out to grab a shiny bag of Raisinetes. Peering at the nutrition facts, he notes the presence of several of his favorite ingredients. However, the amount of carbohydrates is a bit more than he would prefer. He sets it back down amongst the other yellow Nestle'-branded plastic bags. He tilts his head up and down the modest candy rack, scanning over the Altoids, shaking his head at the Starbursts, and sighing at the cute but unsatiating orange-flavored TicTacs. This rack here has nothing for him. Tastey and sweet they may all be...but not for him.

He leaves the aisle and proceeds toward the automated sliding doors. He's disappointed, but optimistic. His stride is calm. After all, what's the rush?

[untitled]

2010-12-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

Just being introspective tonight

having just ended a good outing with a new friend

a new friend who seems to be of high standard

one of those types that really make you sit back and take note of where YOU fall short

like

Wow. I really need to step MY game up in a few areas

areas that they at least seem to be much stronger in

areas that you value and want to improve yourself in

...humbling experience...

yet frustrating in a sense that

well, honestly...

you're attracted to them

and these qualities,

though at this early stage in the friendship are merely a first impression,

really make pursuing them seem like a daunting task...

...like

you're gonna have to really be ready for that caliber of person

you can't be all lukewarm, so-so, nonchalant...

just kinda going with the flow in certain areas

They say they're intimidated by strong women

I say 'sure', some are

but this isn't quite the same...

I'm actually attracted to this one even more

I just have to do a little homework on myself,

a little self-inventory and assessment

...This is all really tiring

and oft times doesn't end quite like you want it to...

Can't Have Both

2010-09-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I went to a cook-out this past summer.

There was great food cooked by the host’s girlfriend…who was Jamaican…
a few drinks *wink*…
good music…
and yes, a shortage of men and an abundance of women. *smile*

I expected nothing less from the host as he and his brother are consistent with the above-par quality of this annual event.

I went solo this year. Most of my friends were either working, bunned up, or just M.I.A. Plus, I just wanted to chill and do me for a change.

The cook-out started around 2:30pm. I got off of work around 3:30pm… got home around 4:30pm… got dressed… and went straight to the function around 5:30pm. In the past, arriving at one of these guy’s cookouts ‘on time’ was futile. The food wouldn’t be ready until 2 hours later, and folks (women) don’t really start to show until dusk anyway. So this year, my 5:30pm arrival time was actually the result of careful mitigation. The food was fresh, the drinks had barely been tapped, and the femalian species had just begun to trickle in. *schemingly rubbing hands together*

I was sitting at an empty spades table eating jerk chicken when, before I knew it, all three empty chairs were full with femalian specimens.

It was just me, them....and this jerk chicken.

Most guys have a P.F.S. Unit (Preferential Femalian Scanner Unit) internally installed prior to their birth. This unit is activated automatically during puberty and remains operational in various degrees until death. Its primary function is to develop and refine unique, desirable parameters regarding the femalian species and to screen such specimens against those parameters. Should the encountered specimen(s) meet those parameters, the P.F.S. Unit returns positive results to the male’s psyche and he is subsequently attracted to the specimen(s) in question; otherwise, the results are negative and the male is unmoved by their presence.

Needless to say, mine was implemented while eating my jerk chicken.

I sat quietly as the femalian counterparts laughed and conversed around me. Eventually, and almost expectantly, a comment was made amongst them that pertained to me. The culprit jokingly referred to me as a pimp since I was one solitary guy at a table full of women. *chuckle* Her comment was taken lightly. She was reasonably cute, too. However, since my P.F.S. unit had already returned less-than-desirable readings pertaining to these otherwise reasonably attractive femalians, I opted not to capitalize on the clear attempt to break the ice. I was cordial, of course, but I didn’t offer anything beyond a validating chuckle and smile. *continuing to eat my jerk chicken*

Suddenly, two new members of the femalian species arrived. I received positive reading from my P.F.S. unit and decided to migrate away from where I was sitting. I was full, so to seize more food was useless. …but these pecan brownie thingies that were not present during my prior acquisition of jerk chicken had caught my attention. I partook. Now I needed a new place to sit and enjoy these sweet morsels of wonderfulness; so I ventured indoors.

Ah, perfect!
There was a dining room table inside which was also where those two new femalian specimens had planted themselves. Recognizing the favorable circumstances, I capitalized on the opportunity to be social and investigate the positive readings I had received from my P.F.S. unit.

Both specimens had natural hair…locs to be exact. One possessed a caramel outer shell as the other was encased in a much darker chocolate wrapping. Their demeanor was inviting and welcoming. So I sat down while administering relevant humor to break the ice.

The ice broke with ease.

There were two other fellow Mars inhabitants at the table who were already engaged in dialogue with the femalians, but my B.D.U. (Blockage Detector Unit) did not detect hatage (‘hate’idge) or any other form of gatery (‘gate’er’E) so I was clear to dig. I proceeded to ask for the names of the femalians and their place of origin. There was an amicable exchange between the fellow Martians, the femalians, and myself. Eventually, my P.F.S. unit began to return more positive readings that pertained to only one of the femalian specimens instead of both. Naturally, then, my attention began to settle upon her.
As it turned out, she was fasting with the intent to cleanse her body from prior days of what she considered to be an ‘improper diet’. She was striving to be a ‘pescetarian’ as she avoided most meats except fish and crustaceans. She stayed fit and pretty much considered her health to be a priority. My P.F.S.U continued to return highly favorable results as I continued to entertain this chocolate one. In between words and laughter, I observed this specimen’s appearance and structural qualities…the aesthetic composition of her garments…and even recalled the harmonious movements of her frame when she walked - caused by the high-heeled wedges that encased her feet. *green L.E.D. light continues to flash on my P.F.S.U.*

Consciously, I ushered the conversation between myself and the Chocolate One across the plane of ‘negotiables’ and ‘non-negotiables’ …checking to see just how compatible she could be for a deeper friendship and, perhaps, an exclusive companion. So far, this femalian faired well. Soon, I found the golden opportunity to assess her spiritual background and beliefs. ...a joke about church…or perhaps a casual mention of “god” was all I needed as a segway into a discussion of spiritual allegiance.

I went first, weaving mention of my faith in Christ into a response to one of her comments. I noticed a change in the femalian’s demeanor. It was the first perceived sign of apprehension from this young specimen. My P.F.S.U. paused and immediately displayed “Calculating” on its LCD screen. Through further inquisition it became increasingly evident that she did not view Jesus Christ in the same way that I did. In fact, to the Chocolate One, Jesus was in mere comparison to other ‘great men’ of influence – like Muhammad, Gandhi, Buddha, and so forth. She began to divulge in her past research and historical findings concerning the fallacies of the church as we know it today… expressing her distaste of the debauchery of pre-Revolutionary European settlers as they used Christianity to manipulate and enslave those that they sought to conquer and control. Apparently, to the ultimate view of this Hershey femalian, the perceived deity of Jesus was a concocted overture developed through centuries of misinterpretation…more or less. Oh yes, and not to forget that Jesus was indeed Black.
ALAS! She did believe in God. But Christ? No. He was a mere prophet to be esteemed no higher than Muhammad or any other one of “society’s greatest humanitarian martyrs”.

*”Calculating” disappears from the screen of P.F.S.U. as “Denied” appears accompanied by a steady red L.E.D. light*

Interestingly enough, the femalian expressed full intent to ‘submit’ to her future husband much like a ‘Christian’ wife is traditionally expected to. She revealed her ‘old school’ ideology and made it known that she wouldn’t stand in the way if her husband, should he be a Christian, opted to involve their children into his church. I found it interesting, too, that this femalian was raised in the church, currently loved gospel music and the activities of church itself…but yet hardly attended and saw no reason to praise Jesus as Lord. She wanted a man with an ‘open mind’, and apparently, the femalian was disappointed with the narrow opening of mine.

My P.F.S.U. began to emit ‘minus’ symbols as the Chocolate One and I progressed in our conversation. And although the femalian specimen was of the utmost appeal, I was critically disappointed that we, had we ever united as a couple, would not be able to share in the worship Jesus Christ. He would only be my Savior, not hers.

At this point, the results from my P.F.S.U. had fully negated any prior findings regarding the Chocolate One. This femalian was ‘badd’, but my loyalty to Christ was paramount. Until the advent of spiritual matters and beliefs in our conversation, she was more than eligible. Unfortunately, though, the conclusion of our conversation returned me back to the ever-credible notion that the discovery a femalian with such beautiful and natural attributes, a high regard for health and fitness, AND demonstrative faith in Christ is rare to impossible.
Unfortunately, in my experience, one can only expect to find a woman on either side of the spectrum…not both. On one end, you get the modern day Angela Davis/Friday Foster with body oil that smells of ancient Frankincense and 3 Kings…. Or you get a Barbie doll with a lifestyle more aligned with Proverbs 31 and a Bible bookmarked in the Gospel of John. The afro-puff and fist-pumping specimen pays homage to many religions and loves “god” (which is seems to always be up for interpretation). The Revlon-clad dime, reminiscent of a Beyonce-gone-good, loves Christ and has been ‘successfully single‘ since she graduated college in 2003. One has the practical qualities I like while the other loves the Christ I love. It’s as if a woman who fits my preferences AND my faith doesn’t exist. Thus, I am often faced with the dilemma…

Do I abandon my desire for a femalian specimen with ‘natural essence’ and accept the many other eligible Christian femalians as viable mates? Or, do I hold on and stay true to one my strong preferences for someone who not only loves Jesus as their Lord and Savior, but who also embraces her natural beauty – inside and out (regardless of her ethnicity)?

Are my preferences reasonable?
Are they realistic?
I’m starting to wonder. *”Recalibrating” flashes across P.F.S.U. screen*

untitled (written at age 27)

2010-08-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's Friday
but it feels like another day
adulthood comes wit more work
less time for play
had a nostalgic 7 days before today
seen old faces wit new bodies
chicks I used to dig back when NAS was rappin wit Foxy
I reminisce
decades past I miss
Dont know why
must've been the freedom of ignorance
during adolescence we wanted to be grown
now its time to save money to move out on my own
from landlines to cell phones
I've changed over that past couple
I can be in a room full of faces yet I still feel alone
But not then,
nah
I was livin then
True, I got more friends now than I had back when
but it was just easier pushin dad's van
only worries was gettin homework done and your wardrobe had to be in
shape-ups were 5 even, 6 if he was good
chicks was sweatin the dude in the Aja Imani jacket wit the glitter on the hood
The simple life
no bills except lunch meals
even had a pager if you was that nice
Shawty wit the dimples look nice
Couldn't wait to rock the fresh Top Flight
in first period she sure to look twice
It was Usher before Chris Brown
Ginuwine was So Anxious and Mary was singin' My Life My Life My Life...

it was sunshine,
but now it's real life, steady on the grind
slim margin for mistakes
false move and you flatline
just one time
You can lay down but you won't fly
Too old for moms to dry your eye
Taller than pops now so now you gotta reach the sky
make the moves and figure out why.

Time used to stand still
still wish it were more like yesterday though
but I guess this is how growin up feels...

A Week Later...

2010-07-21T19:48:00.001-07:00

It's been a week...

...okay, maybe just 5 days...

...but it might as well have been SEVEN days...

...since your phone has RANG, BLINGED, CHIRPED, DINGED, [insert that little polite iPhone *pop*], or DROIDed with so much as a text message from that person you thought had so much potential to be 'the ONE'.

I mean, c'mon... that last date - which was also the FIRST date - was SO *pause for emphasis* GOOD!

You both laughed, joked, exchanged a couple playful shoves and pokes, shared opinions and talked about 'stuff'...

...things just really seemed to flow!

(Uh oh... that word! 'FLOW'! You know what happens when you hang out with someone new and everything really just kinda 'flows'...)

So what happened?!?

[actual word]--> You'da thought that they would've hit you up to say "hey", "how are you", or at least a :-).

But no... and it's been 5 days without any followup.

*cue all insecurities, self-consciousness, and anxiety...mmmmmmNOW!*

By now, this is when all the second guesses and worries come into play.

This is where you try to recollect any pivotal oversights and missteps you may have committed at any time during the date:

...like whether or not you kept a fresh Altoid in your mouth after lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl...

...did they smell that fart you accidentally let escape before those Beano tablets kicked in?...

...that joke you told that wasn't funny... how UNfunny did they really think it was? Was it THAT bad?...

...were they offended when you decided to text message your friend(s) to tell them about the date you were currently on while consequently neglecting the very date you were currently on?

So many possibilities.

So many questions.

"What did I do," you ask yourself.

"Or...what didn't I do," you reply as you realize that you really have NO idea why your potential bun is M.I.A.

*cue feelings of vulnerability and the onset lapse of sound judgment and pride*

There is only one way to find out...

...ONE way to be sure...

*sudden dramatic orchestral hit*

...ONE WAY to quench your ever-growing thirst to know 'WHY'...

*orchestral crescendo followed by sudden cinematically brilliant silence*

...WHY didn't they hit me up by now!?!

*close-up of silent, lifeless cell phone as its little green LED light flashes indicating that voicemail from mom*

Admit it. You don't want to hear from mom right now.

You want to hear from [insert potential bun's name]!

....So what do you do?

What else!?...

*quiet, peaceful shot of your silent cell phone suddenly interrupted by your sweaty hand swooping in and seizing it into your eager grasp*

You send a text message! ...you know, because your pride won't let you give in and flat out CALL them, right? I mean, whatchu look like callin' them like YOU pressed? You know?

[finger typing]

YOU: "Hey! Jus sayin Hi. I jus wanted 2 c how u were doin. [insert witty reference to a joke you two shared during the date]

*camera shot of your thumb pressing SEND with high expectations of their reply*

...

...

...

...

Unlike the text messages leading up to the first date, there's no immediate reply.

Five minutes turn into ten minutes as anxiety and impatience begin to erode your pride and sanity once more. You try to act nonchalant and 'aloof' by leaving your phone on the other side of the room as you surf the internet and partake of other 'more important things'. *cough*facebook*cough*

...

Suddenly, the silence is broken by the ever-so-familiar sound from across the room...

*BLING*

A TEXT MESSAGE!!!!

Every pathetic charade of indifference you achingly had going for the past 26 minutes is immediately obliterated as you clear every bit of the 3 yards between you and your phone in a single, clumsy bound.

*desk chair falls over as your knee subsequently hits the corner of the nightstand where the cell phone rests*

To finally see **New Message** on the cell phone screen is like coming downstairs Christmas Day to find a room full of gifts.

You eagerly press the right buttons to access the new text message from...

...your co-worker?!? *womp*womp*

There couldn't have been a worse time to get a text message from some colleague at work asking about something work related. Nevertheless, as the rush of excitement deflates into an empty bag of disappointment, you reply to your co-worker's untimely inquiry and put the phone right back where it was before you leaped across the room like a gazelle on PCP <-- wow, picture that.

*sigh*

At this point, twenty minutes have passed and Facebook has lost its lure. Your FB "friends" statuses are becoming stupid and brainless, you've just ignored a Friend Request from some guy who's shirtless in his profile pic and has only 2 mutual friends out of the 948 that you have, you keep getting event invites to places and functions you have ABSOLUTELY no interest in attending - nor do you even know who the person is who 'invited' you - aaaannnnnd you've gone through that potential bun's photo albums three times already.

*sigh*

...

Okay, so it's been about an hour since you've sent that text message and the notion to actually call the person has crossed your mind several times by now. This time, however, your rekindled feelings of desperation begin to make such a task sound quite viable and tempting.

...

One hour and 15 seconds later, you're holding your phone in your hand as you navigate through your Contacts folder...

*cue the sudden sensation of butterflies and insecurities sparked by the thought of how pressed it would look if you called after sending a text message they didn't even reply to yet*

You swallow that last ounce of pride you had left as you press the call button...

...

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*WALE "pretty girls" ring-back tone*

...*"Hello, you have been transferred to the voicemail box of [potential bun's voice saying their name]. At the tone, please state your message.....[BOOP]*

"Transferred???," you think to yourself. "I transfer people to my voicemail when I don't want to talk to them...."

*silence*

The last thing you want to do is leave a voicemail.

Who DOES that??!?

...So you hang up the phone and enter yet another pathetic round of self-consciousness.

By now, you've exhausted all reasonable attempts to contact that person. And, because of the 'tragic' course of events that have taken place over the past hour and... *checking watch* ....five minutes, you've become a little salty....

...salty enough to vow that you will never call or text message that person again!

...salty enough to de-friend them on Facebook!!

...salty enough to erase their phone number and email address from your Contacts list!!!...because afterall, they couldn't even hit you up for a whole week!

And!....AND!....they didn't want to respond to your text messages or answer the phone when you called...let alone having the audacity to 'transfer' you to voicemail.

You release a symbolic sigh as you delete every last bit of evident correspondence between you and the now un-potential bun out of your phone.

*sigh*

...because THIS signifies a new dawn....

*symbolic sunrise casting fresh morning light upon your face as you look towards the blossoming horizon with a new sense of pride and prospect*

...a new day where I will no longer look to the past, but will now focus on the light of the future! Those who bring negative energy into my realm will be left behind! Only those with positive energy and good vibes will I now surround myself with! #thatisall

*clicking the SHARE button, making that your new Facebook status until further notice*

...

Proud of yourself, you then decide to LIKE your own status post as you re-read it several times as if it wasn't you who wrote it. But then you notice something in the News Feed section...

[insert un-potential bun's name] and 11 others have just updated their profile pic!

...

...

[insert un-potential bun's name] has just uploaded 15 new photos into Vacation Getaway to Jamaica 2010 album.

"Jamaica?," you question to yourself out loud.

Your mind starts to shuffle as you delve deep into Vacation Getaway to Jamaica 2010. Your quest shifts back and forth from trying to figure out when this Jamaican getaway took place... and salivating over how that un-potential bun looks with less than 15% of their body covered.

*a new NOTIFICATION pops up*

[insert un-potential bun's last name] has just updated their status.

...

"...gettin it in at JAM-ROCK sippin 'experienced' pina coladas!" posted about a minute ago.

Your mind can't help but leniently attribute their lack of communication over the past week to their being on vacation.

They're OUT OF THE COUNTRY, right? Cut them some slack! Yes?

Oh, but of course you do.

...

The bright young sun rising to symbolize the advent of your new day and ever-so-poignant philosophy of progressive relationship-building slows to a stop. And by the third cycle of clicking through 15 vivid photos of your long lost potential fling, it begins to gradually roll right back into the east horizon from which it rose.

Now you're leaving comments and compliments throughout their photo album...

"Nice"

"How come you ain't invite me?"

"YESSS!"

...

...

*a new NOTIFICATION pops up*

[insert back-to-being-potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.

[insert potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.

[insert potential bun's last name] has commented on their photo.

*cue instant heart rate increase and widening eyes*

FINALLY... a response! Nevermind why they didn't respond when you sent that text message or made that phone call. The point is that they did it now!

...you waste NO time at finding out what they said...

...

"Thanks. :)"

"Lol. I know right? Its just me and my family, tho. We're staying with my cousins in Kingston."

"You know how I do. LoL ;-)"

...

*cue feelings of satisfaction and quasi-bliss caused by the brief cyber-interaction between you and your potential bun*

...

*silence*

...

It had been a week of silence.

Sure. Maybe a week is short for some...

...but for you?

No! A good date should never be followed by more than 3 days ...no...TWO days without so much as even a single text message.

Even a Facebook message would've sufficed!

*sigh*

Alas... the past is the past. And now, you've got not one... but THREE Facebook comments from your potential bun that were directed especially at you.

*sigh of contentment as the sensation of mushy warmth fills your inner being*

You feel liberated!

Your longing thirst for correspondence has been quenched and should sustain you for at least the next 3-5 days...which would be about the time you should begin to experience withdrawal symptoms again.

Finally, you can focus on other important matters like what you and your potential bun will do on the next date.

...

*cue thoughts of jerk chicken, plantains and ginger beer*